Your Own Worst Enemy?
What’s Your Inner Chatter?
By Cal Nield
I was recently asked to do a talk on self-care and think of my top tips. It got me thinking what I might say that would stand out.
I often work backwards. In this instance, thinking about self-care leads me to think about the care that we have experienced, and what has that taught us, both about ourselves and other people, as well as what has it led us to expect or anticipate in others. As creatures of habit, familiarity is the warm cushion we like to sit on, whether it be an old worn lumpy one with pointy feathers sticking out, or a totally flat one that offers us no comfort or protection at all. But we still resort to it. it is a deeply unconscious thing.
Patterns in self-care link right back. If we have experienced some reasonably good care and have been nurtured then it gives us a sense of being cared for and valued. This in turn helps us to care for ourselves, and so there is actually something in the saying ‘you’re worth it’ – though it might not mean buying the latest shampoo or hair colour.
We also will have learnt how to ask for help, and how to get care from others when we need it. If we have had negative experiences that impact on our trust in others, then it can be hard to ask for help or it might mean that we turn to the wrong people or in the wrong way – and that then reinforces our negative experience, and low self-worth, which makes us even more vulnerable.
We all have what I refer to as inner chatter, the sort of running commentary we have on ourselves and how we do in our day to day. I sent an email out the other day and forgot to attach the document. I always forget, and I always hear myself mutter ‘silly old fool’ under my breath. This is something I’ve heard my father say many times and now having internalised something of his voice, out of my mouth comes my father. Sometimes the voices we have inside us are less benign and might have a harsher quality that resonates with less compassionate care and find this repeat in our self-talk that whispers imperceptibly in the background. And when it does, it does a good job of keeping us down and is unlikely to help us treat ourselves well.
Do you allow yourself time or do you run on empty? Do you struggle to say ‘no’ and overload yourself and become exhausted?
My top tips would include;
- Be aware of your relationship with you.
- Listen to how you speak to yourself. Would you speak to your best friend like it? If not, don’t do it! Easier said than done. if it was that easy, my job wouldn’t exist…
- Be content with who you are and where you are … mind the chatter that says we need to be better, achieve more, have more… Check in with yourself but have social interaction with people who reinforce your sense of self and wellbeing.
- Be mindful of your boundaries.
I will write a blog on boundaries next time to help reflect on what we mean by that, and what healthy ones might look like.
What other top tips would you add to the list? Email me yours at cal@reflectonline.co.uk, and I will add it to the list for others to benefit from 
“In therapy there is an opportunity to discover the nature of our inner chatter, the voices that have been internalised and motivate us unconsciously, often working against us and leading us towards poor self care “